Resolutions. Re-solutions. Re-thinking previous decisions and working to find REAL solutions from them. Yes? I like etymology, and the more you can get to the root of a word, the more you can figure out what it means to you and what you can do with it. Language is easy to manipulate, but if you don't understand it, it can just as easily manipulate you.

And that statement could be applied to many things in life. If you don't understand it, you become its victim and it can take a long time before you realize you've lost control, and even longer until you have any idea how to reclaim yourself.

So. New Year's Resolutions. Re-thinking the previous year's decisions, figuring out where you went wrong, and deciding what you need to do in order to have a better year than the last.

2008 was the first year in a long time I can honestly say...I didn't move forward. I didn't do much moving at all. Yeah, I got a job that is better paying than any work I've ever done and although I swore off the restaurant industry forever, it's the best possible position I could have in the restaurant industry. I adore the people I work with and for, and I enjoy the unique circumstances of our restaurant and the responsibility I have.

But it's not what I want from life. I think in 2008, I forgot who I wanted to be. Academics slowed down, I dealt with my depression on more occasions than I would have cared to, I've had more arrhythmic attacks in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 YEARS combined, I've come to learn I have hypothyroidism and am learning to deal with all the every day obstacles it can present...I've just kinda flattened out and allowed things to pile up and step on me and pass me by.

I've always wanted more from life. More than what was readily available in front me. Since moving to Tennessee, I've run, at times, headfirst, toward the things I've wanted. I've run headfirst into a brick wall on quite a few of those occasions, but I've also reaped some incredibly encouraging and motivating benefits from those experiences as well.

That fire and drive have just kinda gone and hidden in another room this past year. Under the bed, or in the back of the closet, or down in the basement behind some boxes...I'm not sure where it's been. But I'm starting to catch sparks of it again, and for the first time in a while, I'm feeling excited. I have a LOT to work on because I've shied away from things: my GPA is atrocious. Remember when I was a 3.75 GPA in high school? I do. College has not been as kind to me, but then again, I've made the mistake of allowing life to get in the way, even when it didn't need to, and let school take a back burner. I need to be HEALTHY. Lose weight and think about my heart and think about the fact that, with as many health problems as I've experienced this year, it's only gonna get worse if I don't do something now.

So again. My resolutions for 2009. I consider them my Penance AND Retribution for the wrongs I did myself in 2008.

1) Get healthy. I will lose weight. Being over 200lbs is NOT acceptable and I cannot allow myself to make excuses of "hypothyroidism" and "depression" anymore. Yes, I'm hypothroid. Yes, that does cause weight gain and slow your metabolism. But I'm not helpless to it and if medication alone isn't making enough of a difference, I have to do more work, to get what I want. And what I want, is to not have a heart attack at age 30. What I want is to be able to look in the mirror and not sigh, not frown, not feel dejected by my own image. What I want is to feel 26 years old and healthy and as vibrant a person as I know I am. I will exercise, I will fix my eating because it is obviously not as good as I've surmised in the past. I will lose 45 lbs, I will be back in the healthy range I was in 3 years ago, after I recovered from my eating disorder and had that brief, albeit delicate, flirtation with what we call balance and moderation and normalcy. I will get my body, my health, and my life back.

2) I will fix my academic reputation. I am so much more ambitious and intelligent than I've allowed myself to be in the last year. I've satiated myself with...well, nothing. I used to joke that I was always in the middle of about 7 books at once. Thing is, I wasn't joking. I really was. Constantly imbibing information, literature...and I've stopped that. I still haven't finished my Independent Study! The paper that was to be my practice-run for a master's thesis, my sample writing for Graduate School Admissions, my definitive statement of my career goals and academic dreams. And I haven't written more than a paragraph in a year. A YEAR. That's completely unacceptable and how I ever accepted it disgusts me. I'm better than that. I will finish the paper. I will take the GRE once, twice, as many times as necessary to help outweigh the GPA that shames me. I will apply to school and write incredible Statements of Purpose that will not only make me an irresistible prospective student, but will reflect the ambitious, intelligent, driven, hungry mind that I have always been and continue to be. And I will do whatever it takes, because I will have a doctorate. And I will do everything with my life that I have always wanted to do. Travel. Write. Teach. And more importantly, help support and encourage students like myself, who have all the makings and drive, but don't always have the ideal circumstances to foster those dreams.

...All the others? Become more financially responsible, be a better person, do more volunteer work (preferably with Planned Parenthood again), be more understanding, be a better friend, be more social...that'll come.

Where I wandered off in 2008, I will find my way home in 2009.

Personally, I can't wait.