Nothing like searching through boxes to find your car title, only to find a picture of yourself from right before things got REALLY bad.

See, in some ways, I can divide my life into 4 different Amandas thus far:
The scared, timid, naive dreamer Amanda #1 who grew up in PA in a dysfunctional family I can't begin to describe. 
The ambitious Amanda #2 who moved to TN for college and to find herself, only to find herself back in PA after she had a minor breakdown and needed to refocus.
Amanda #3 who dove into a relationship, allowed herself to be swept up in whiskey and honky bands and shattered by the natural ebb and flow of life, spiraling until she ended up in a psych ward.
And then the Amanda #4 I am now and have been for the last 3 1/2 years - still struggling, still faltering, but ultimately happy and, for lack of a better term, settling into peace, not only because of Jerry, but because she's finding it in herself, perhaps for the first time in her life.

The picture is me (Amanda #2, on the verge of becoming Amanda #3), hugging my Dad in my first apartment here in TN, after I had my first breakdown and moved home to PA for a few months, and then decided to give it another go in Nashville on my own. They came to visit me for Christmas. I look so happy, so hopeful, so thin, so healthy...I had already gone through treatment at Vanderbilt and was, for all intents and purposes, recovered. I had been going to therapy, was on antidepressants, and was finding balance in life.

But it got so much worse. The depression got so much worse. I was dating Jeremy at the time, and thought life was grand. Little did I know that just a few months later, he would have broken up with me, I would have developed a bit of a drinking problem, have had a miscarriage, threw myself headfirst into an eating disorder relapse, and culminated the whole ordeal with a 72 hour suicide watch at Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital. All in under a year. I completely lost myself and hit rock bottom.

But I see the girl in this picture, and she's just so happy. Her parents are supporting her, she has a renewed interest in life, a new grasp on herself and her body and her potential. 

At the time, I blamed the following breakdown on the breakup. He broke my heart, but everything that followed was just me completely letting go of everything I had worked so hard to regain. Over WHAT? A fucking loser musician who couldn't handle anything other than long distance relationships? The guys I dated for months afterward just to bask in attention, to think myself relevant and worthwhile because someone with a penis would smile at me? 

That girl was such a juxtaposition to who I was after leaving Vanderbilt Psych. That girl is such a juxtaposition to who I am now. In some ways, sometimes, I don't know if I'm better off or not from her. I have stability - I'm in a great relationship with a man who loves me and who respects me. I have a great job. I'm on the verge of finishing school - something that girl thought was on the immediate horizon as well, until the next 6 months hit and threw her education into a tizzy for the next 4 years.

But that uncertainly that I have now toward the future pales in comparison to the naive optimism Amanda #2, the smiling Amanda in the picture has. The healthy, renewed hope she had for herself and her youth at 22-23 completely overshadows the great aging effects I feel now, at 26-27. I've said a lot in the past that I feel so much older than I am because of the stuff I've gone through, the stuff I've stupidly put myself through...but seeing photo evidence of it compounds the feeling so much. 

How to find that balance? Most things are better, but a few things feel worse. Is there a way to level the field, or is that, too, part of the aging process? 

 June sucks. Money wise, health wise, stress wise...but sadly enough, what's bothering me the most is Jerry's not around. I mean, he comes home more often than not at night, which is great, but I only get to watch him sleep, basically. I don't get to talk to him much, and he's busy and preoccupied, so the little time I do have to interact with him, I don't want to be mopey and emotional and lay out all my stresses on him.

Next weekend, he'll come home from field school on Friday (while I'm at work, making NO money) and he'll be gone to Cincinnati till Sunday evening with Phil and Rick for a martial arts seminar. I won't get to see him at ALL. Last weekend, I had to work a double on Saturday and saw him for a little bit in the evening, but I was exhausted and unsocial. Then Sunday, he was at the freaking GMX judging for 9 fucking hours, drinking and hitting on girls at the behest of the other judges. While I cried all day because of arguments with family, stressing out over money, and just needing HIM. 

When did I become so needy? I didn't think it was a bad thing, but feeling so much sadder because I don't have much interaction with him this month beyond helping him to bed because he's so exhausted is wearing me out. I'm depressed and stressed and this just adds to it and makes me feel so fucking weak and co-dependent. 

And so it goes.

I really, really do. Lets break it down in a completely self-pittying, whiny, woe-is-me kinda way...

I have student loan repayments and I haven't even graduated yet. But I still have to pay them. I also have medical bills from the emergency room in October I'm still trying to pay off. And I have to pay my cardiologist.

That takes up OVER half of my monthly income.

Then there's rent. And utilities.

And that leaves me with about $200-$300 from each month that I have free to live on. You know. For gas to get to and from work and the Boro. And food. And prescriptions which are about $80 a month for my BC and thyroid and heart meds. And God forbid anything goes wrong with my car. Or with me, which seems to be more and more likely anymore.

And that doesn't cover the $100 ultrasound I had last week. And the $50 trip to MTSU Student Health that led to the ultrasound. Or the remaining $150 balance I have on my student account that I have to pay before I can pay $500 for 2 credit hours this summer IF Dr. Hopkirk decides to accept my independent study so that I can turn the paper in for credit. $500 to turn a fucking paper in and that's it. And that needs to be paid within a month if all goes well and she accepts the paper.

Oh, and did I mention that between the pelvic pains and MTAC last week, I missed so much time that I have to take a paycut on my next check?

And the ONLY thing I could possibly sell right now is my little 8 gig iPod. Thats it. And that'd be $50 at most.

Looks like I'll be canceling my gym membership, which is only $35 a month, but yeah. Glad I had the time to use it, you know...ONCE.

And I've been applying for 2nd jobs, but you know what's funny? Apparently I make too much money at my current job for anyone to want to hire me for a second, weekend job. That, and it seems no one wants to hire a GM. So, I'm not forecasting any relief there.

And I told Jerry I'd plan his birthday party for him, because in the 3 years we've been dating, I haven't been able to really do anything for him for his birthday. I'm always to broke for gifts or parties or dinners...and now? Where am I going to come up with the money for it?

Seriously. FML.

I walked in to Green Hills Starbucks for about 10 minutes to grab coffee and tweak the schedule on my laptop before I forgot to make a change.
I stood in line. 
Realized Kelly Clarkson was in line in front of me.
Thought that was pretty cool.
I got my coffee and sat down.
I looked up from my computer and Jack White was standing 2 feet away.
COOLEST. TEN. MINUTES. EVER.

Resolutions. Re-solutions. Re-thinking previous decisions and working to find REAL solutions from them. Yes? I like etymology, and the more you can get to the root of a word, the more you can figure out what it means to you and what you can do with it. Language is easy to manipulate, but if you don't understand it, it can just as easily manipulate you.

And that statement could be applied to many things in life. If you don't understand it, you become its victim and it can take a long time before you realize you've lost control, and even longer until you have any idea how to reclaim yourself.

So. New Year's Resolutions. Re-thinking the previous year's decisions, figuring out where you went wrong, and deciding what you need to do in order to have a better year than the last.

2008 was the first year in a long time I can honestly say...I didn't move forward. I didn't do much moving at all. Yeah, I got a job that is better paying than any work I've ever done and although I swore off the restaurant industry forever, it's the best possible position I could have in the restaurant industry. I adore the people I work with and for, and I enjoy the unique circumstances of our restaurant and the responsibility I have.

But it's not what I want from life. I think in 2008, I forgot who I wanted to be. Academics slowed down, I dealt with my depression on more occasions than I would have cared to, I've had more arrhythmic attacks in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 YEARS combined, I've come to learn I have hypothyroidism and am learning to deal with all the every day obstacles it can present...I've just kinda flattened out and allowed things to pile up and step on me and pass me by.

I've always wanted more from life. More than what was readily available in front me. Since moving to Tennessee, I've run, at times, headfirst, toward the things I've wanted. I've run headfirst into a brick wall on quite a few of those occasions, but I've also reaped some incredibly encouraging and motivating benefits from those experiences as well.

That fire and drive have just kinda gone and hidden in another room this past year. Under the bed, or in the back of the closet, or down in the basement behind some boxes...I'm not sure where it's been. But I'm starting to catch sparks of it again, and for the first time in a while, I'm feeling excited. I have a LOT to work on because I've shied away from things: my GPA is atrocious. Remember when I was a 3.75 GPA in high school? I do. College has not been as kind to me, but then again, I've made the mistake of allowing life to get in the way, even when it didn't need to, and let school take a back burner. I need to be HEALTHY. Lose weight and think about my heart and think about the fact that, with as many health problems as I've experienced this year, it's only gonna get worse if I don't do something now.

So again. My resolutions for 2009. I consider them my Penance AND Retribution for the wrongs I did myself in 2008.

1) Get healthy. I will lose weight. Being over 200lbs is NOT acceptable and I cannot allow myself to make excuses of "hypothyroidism" and "depression" anymore. Yes, I'm hypothroid. Yes, that does cause weight gain and slow your metabolism. But I'm not helpless to it and if medication alone isn't making enough of a difference, I have to do more work, to get what I want. And what I want, is to not have a heart attack at age 30. What I want is to be able to look in the mirror and not sigh, not frown, not feel dejected by my own image. What I want is to feel 26 years old and healthy and as vibrant a person as I know I am. I will exercise, I will fix my eating because it is obviously not as good as I've surmised in the past. I will lose 45 lbs, I will be back in the healthy range I was in 3 years ago, after I recovered from my eating disorder and had that brief, albeit delicate, flirtation with what we call balance and moderation and normalcy. I will get my body, my health, and my life back.

2) I will fix my academic reputation. I am so much more ambitious and intelligent than I've allowed myself to be in the last year. I've satiated myself with...well, nothing. I used to joke that I was always in the middle of about 7 books at once. Thing is, I wasn't joking. I really was. Constantly imbibing information, literature...and I've stopped that. I still haven't finished my Independent Study! The paper that was to be my practice-run for a master's thesis, my sample writing for Graduate School Admissions, my definitive statement of my career goals and academic dreams. And I haven't written more than a paragraph in a year. A YEAR. That's completely unacceptable and how I ever accepted it disgusts me. I'm better than that. I will finish the paper. I will take the GRE once, twice, as many times as necessary to help outweigh the GPA that shames me. I will apply to school and write incredible Statements of Purpose that will not only make me an irresistible prospective student, but will reflect the ambitious, intelligent, driven, hungry mind that I have always been and continue to be. And I will do whatever it takes, because I will have a doctorate. And I will do everything with my life that I have always wanted to do. Travel. Write. Teach. And more importantly, help support and encourage students like myself, who have all the makings and drive, but don't always have the ideal circumstances to foster those dreams.

...All the others? Become more financially responsible, be a better person, do more volunteer work (preferably with Planned Parenthood again), be more understanding, be a better friend, be more social...that'll come.

Where I wandered off in 2008, I will find my way home in 2009.

Personally, I can't wait.

 But why did no one tell me about the BRILLIANCE of Flight of the Conchords?!

SERIOUSLY.

Yep. Got myself all prettied up to test out my new camera, and the FIRST thing I see is wrinkles. Second thing I see is the 40 extra pounds hanging off of my frame.

*sigh*

Fucking thyroid. Fucking depression. Fucking anxiety. Fuckity fuck fuck.

ANY church that tries to flex their muscles in the political world needs to lose their tax exempt status. Period.

SC priest: No communion for Obama supporters
By MEG KINNARD – 1 day ago

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — A South Carolina Roman Catholic priest has told his parishioners that they should refrain from receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because the Democratic president-elect supports abortion, and supporting him "constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."

The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.

"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president," Newman wrote, referring to Obama by his full name, including his middle name of Hussein.

"Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exits constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ's Church and under the judgment of divine law. Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

During the 2008 presidential campaign, many bishops spoke out on abortion more boldly than four years earlier, telling Catholic politicians and voters that the issue should be the most important consideration in setting policy and deciding which candidate to back. A few church leaders said parishioners risked their immortal soul by voting for candidates who support abortion rights.

But bishops differ on whether Catholic lawmakers — and voters — should refrain from receiving Communion if they diverge from church teaching on abortion. Each bishop sets policy in his own diocese. In their annual fall meeting, the nation's Catholic bishops vowed Tuesday to forcefully confront the Obama administration over its support for abortion rights.

According to national exit polls, 54 percent of Catholics chose Obama, who is Protestant. In South Carolina, which McCain carried, voters in Greenville County — traditionally seen as among the state's most conservative areas — went 61 percent for the Republican, and 37 percent for Obama.

"It was not an attempt to make a partisan point," Newman said in a telephone interview Thursday. "In fact, in this election, for the sake of argument, if the Republican candidate had been pro-abortion, and the Democratic candidate had been pro-life, everything that I wrote would have been exactly the same."

Conservative Catholics criticized Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry in 2004 for supporting abortion rights, with a few Catholic bishops saying Kerry should refrain from receiving Holy Communion because his views were contrary to church teachings.
Sister Mary Ann Walsh, spokeswoman for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, said she had not heard of other churches taking this position in reaction to Obama's win. A Boston-based group that supports Catholic Democrats questioned the move, saying it was too extreme.

"Father Newman is off-base," said Steve Krueger, national director of Catholic Democrats. "He is acting beyond the authority of a parish priest to say what he did. ... Unfortunately, he is doing so in a manner that will be of great cost to those parishioners who did vote for Sens. Obama and Biden. There will be a spiritual cost to them for his words."

A man who has attended St. Mary's for 18 years said he welcomed Newman's message and anticipated it would inspire further discussion at the church.

"I don't understand anyone who would call themselves a Christian, let alone a Catholic, and could vote for someone who's a pro-abortion candidate," said Ted Kelly, 64, who volunteers his time as lector for the church. "You're talking about the murder of innocent beings."

Reason 14 out of 20 Billion:

Because I was in the ER two nights ago, having a serious tachycardia attack that may or may not be triggered by my recently discovered Hypothyroidism.

The hospital had no qualms about extending a non-insured patient discount to my bill as well as a payment plan to deal with the expenses. The Cardiologist they referred me to had no problem and is offering to set up a payment plan at a discounted rate so that I can be treated even though I do not have insurance.

The Endocrinologist (thyroid doctor), however, refused me. Because I don't have a PCP to refer me. Because I don't have insurance.

And that is just one of the reasons why I dragged myself to the polls and voted for Obama today even though I am still weak and worn out.

Memo To Palin: Fruit Fly Research Has Led To Advances In Understanding Autism»
This morning, Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) gave her first policy speech urging the federal government to fully fund the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), “a law ensuring services to children with disabilities throughout the nation.” In the speech, Palin cited the need to do more for children with disabilities such as autism:

For many parents of children with disabilities, the most valuable thing of all is information. Early identification of a cognitive or other disorder, especially autism, can make a life-changing difference.

Palin claimed that the amount that Congress spends on earmarks “is more than the shortfall to fully fund IDEA.” She then ridiculed some of the projects — such as “fruit fly research” — saying they have little or no value:

Where does a lot of that earmark money end up anyway? […] You’ve heard about some of these pet projects they really don’t make a whole lot of sense and sometimes these dollars go to projects that have little or nothing to do with the public good. Things like fruit fly research in Paris, France. I kid you not.

Palin did not specify what fruit fly research earmark she was referring to (presumably a grant for olive fruit fly research), but she is apparently unaware that scientific research with fruit flies has led to valuable discoveries that have boosted autism research, as a study at the University of North Carolina demonstrated last year:

[S]cientists at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Medicine have shown that a protein called neurexin is required for..nerve cell connections to form and function correctly.

The discovery, made in Drosophila fruit flies may lead to advances in understanding autism spectrum disorders, as recently, human neurexins have been identified as a genetic risk factor for autism.

The study of fruit flies has also been used for other autism research and “revolutionize[d]” the study of birth defects.

***

Soooo, just to contextualize? She and Todd have said repeatedly that they were so lucky to have found out during the pregnancy (probably via amniocentesis) that Trig was going to have Down's Syndrome so that they were able to prepare themselves.

Hmm. Funny. I was under the impression that information like that wouldn't be possible without fruit fly research.

FTW!

Soooo...I've had this thing on my forehead. It started out as what seemed to be a pimple, right on my hairline, smack in the middle of my forehead. This was back at the end of August.

Since then, it had evolved into a flesh-colored, hard bump. Jerry begged me to let him lance it. I said I wanted no part of his army remedies.

A couple days ago, I was reaching into the fridge and banged my forehead off of the freezer door. Thing got angry - got all ready and irritated and started bleeding a little.

Tonight, I realized it was a cyst. Jerry begged me to let him lance it. This time, I acquiesced.

So, allow me to set the scene for you: Bathroom Counter. Ice Cube. Tweezers. Nail Clippers. Hydrogen Peroxide. A fucking LIME. Amanda crying. Jerry giggling. Forehead bleeding like a mother...

30 minutes later, no more cyst, Jerry's in a GREAT mood, and I just took 4 naproxen and am contemplating vodka.

I can't wait to go to work tomorrow. I mean, tonight was the most exciting thing to happen in the last 5 days.

Good night.

I finally have my computer back. Apparently the logic board up and died, and after dropping it off at the Apple Store for repair with the turn around quoted as being 7-10 days, I picked it up this morning. Barely two days and I was going insane. I could've been worse - at least I had my Blackberry to help wean me as opposed to forcing me into total cold turkey-mode, but wow. I was actually grumpy. I mean, it was almost a real, physical withdrawal, which is completely pathetic.

Oh well. I have it back (with all new casing - it looks like a brand new computer!), I've taken care of some work stuff, and now I'm settling in, catching up on this week's Gossip Girl and other mindless activities until Jerry comes home.

*sighs* It's good to be an addict.

 I mean, seriously. The second time in a month!

And now I'm on Jerry's new PowerBook - which came at the PERFECT time, about 12 hours after my computer crashed. The only annoying thing about his? A super-sensitive "M" key. Allow me to demonstrate without having to go back and continuously delete the extra commas that accompany said key...

This is so,me annoying shit right here..,.m,,erely brushing the M,,, K,, or .,,, k,eys,, or breathing on the com,m,a prom,ts about five extra and unnecessary comm,as,.

So,, in short - Love SNL. Love Target. Love Java Chip Frappucinos. Actually love going to the gym,, for 2 hours a day - if I could be down 20lbs by Christmas,, that'd be suuuuuper., 

Oh,, also, I would love to have a working com,puter by like,, next week. Thank you and good night!

John McCain rally in Iowa marked by partisan prayer

Rev. Arnold Conrad, in delivering an invocation at a rally today for John McCain in Davenport, Iowa, apparently didn't get the word from the candidate about elevating the tone at such gatherings.

Conrad, who appeared before the crowd before McCain had arrived, offered a prayer that seemed to urge divine intervention to prevent Barack Obama from winning the presidential election -- and cast the outcome as a referendum on differing religions.

The Times' Maeve Reston was at the event, and she passed along the key passage from Conrad's words:

I would also pray Lord that your reputation is involved in all that happens between now and November, because there are millions of people around this world praying to their God -- whether it's Hindu, Buddha, Allah -- that his [McCain's] opponent wins for a variety of reasons.

And Lord I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they're going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens. So I pray that you would step forward and honor your own name in all that happens between now and Election Day.

Oh Lord, we just commit this time to you, move among us, make your presence very well felt as we are gathered here today in Jesus's name I pray.

Some in the crowd greeted the prayer with applause.

-- Don Frederick

http://latimesblogs.latim...8/10/john-mccain-ral.html

 I really wish I had gone with my gut and gone to Rosh Hashanah services instead of staying home. I'm feeling a tad bit on the crappy side (hopefully I'm not getting what Jerry had this weekend) and I wanted to watch the Steelers game since it was Monday Night Football and I need to take what I can get when it comes to watching my team. Well, they were sucking, and now they've finally gotten good and we're in overtime. But still. I think going to a beautiful service and doing spiritual stuff probably would be more beneficial to me than watching an infuriating football game. 

Oh well. I made my way to Kroger and got some apples, honey, and Pomegranate-Grape juice, I said kiddush over the apples before and after I ate, and I'll be falling asleep as I read the Rosh Hashanah parsha. So...yeah. I'll be doing the tossing bread into water to cast off sin deal, probably at the park tomorrow as I wait for Jerry to finish doing martial arts stuff after Rusty and I finish doing inventory at work. 

I'm half assing it, but hey...this is about the extend that most Christians practice their faith, yes? Only going to church on Christmas & Easter, or if they've fucked up real bad? At least I'm being sincere about it and doing what I can. 

McCain Voted Against Biden Law Requiring Free Rape Exams

In 1994, John McCain voted against legislation -- pushed through Congress by Joe Biden -- that helped put an end to the practice of charging rape victims for sexual assault exams.

Twisted as it may sound, charging victims for a forensic exam was a real problem. For example, as AMERICAblog has documented (and the media is now reporting), when Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasilla, the town charged rape victims for the exams.

Biden's legislation required that state, local, and Indian governments provide the rape exams to victims free of charge as a condition of receiving federal funds under the Violence Against Women Act. In 2000, Alaska finally passed state legislation in order to qualify for federal funding.

McCain not only opposed Biden's legislation, but also has voted against funding it as recently as October 2007.

McCain voted against final passage of Biden's legislation. He had supported an earlier version, but on the question of actually making the legislation the law of the land, McCain joined 35 conservative Republicans (and 2 Democrats) and said "no" to ensuring that all women had access to rape exams free of charge.
------

Seriously? To think that ANYONE is okay with making women PAY for their own fucking rape kits and the barrage of STD/Pregnancy exams necessary after a devastating ordeal such as rape needs to be fucking drug out of the comfort of their homes and ass raped themselves. And THEN be denied any sympathy from the strangers poking and prodding at them after they were just voilated.

Oh, and SO not surprised Palin made women pay for their own exams. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was the, "She was probably asking for it" type.

Jesse and I got our nails did and had coffee, AND a bought a new phone OVER the very phone who's buttons just randomly started falling off. I guess it was as good an excuse as any - I've been wanting a Blackberry (since making the switch to AT&T for an iPhone just isn't possible, financially) and today, my Motorola RIZR said, "You know, I'm gonna just shed a major navigating button, just so you have a reason to get a new phone, cause I didn't really like you anyway!"

And so it goes.

Now if I can just motivate myself to do some cleaning...dishes have piled up, trash needs to be taken out, etc. But ya know, my nails just look too damn good to submerge in water!

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/nowunravelling/BristolPalin-thumb.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

So, Week 3 of Grins is underway. We had a VERY successful full-open week last week and with Jesse at the helm at night as closing manager, I'm stepping back and allowing myself to breathe. I'm quite pleased with how things have turned out. As long as I can hold my own against the Director of Hillel and not allow him to push me around (since he's merely a landlord-ish figure, but definitely NOT my boss) all will be rad. Yes, rad.

I'm also now in the position to start really devoting some time to MTAC pre-reg since I'm no longer totally pre-occupied with getting the cafe open and establishing an administrative routine. Don't know what's going on with the Green Room deal, if I'm catering that or what, but we shall see in the coming months. But yay for multi-tasking some rather hefty responsibilities!

The birthday is in (*thinks*) 39 days. I'm thinking party/gathering/shindig/hootenanny of some sorts, either at the house or out somewhere. It's been far too long since I've actually DONE anything for my birthday.

Quoi d'autre? I'm thinking about getting a gym membership. The NAC + student discount + approx. 1 mile away from the house location could possibly = skinny Amanda. I mean, it's not unreasonable to aspire to, given I work at a vegetarian restaurant and have access to many healthy foods, as well as tons-o-water AND coffee.

Plus I'm sticking very well with the thyroid meds. It's definitely sped up my metabolism, therefore increasing my appetite some, but I'm not piling on the weight like I would have a month ago had I had a similar appetite to the one I have now. I've even noticed it alleviating some of my physical symptoms of depression, so, as Dr. Spangler and I summised, it's not entirely impossible that I would be able to stop the anti-depressants completely, cause it's very possible that my symptoms of depression have been aggrivated in a big way by an underactive thyroid, and maybe I'm not as hopeless and destined to be on Wellbutrin for the rest of my life as previously thought. That'd be fabulous. I'm feeling good, energized, and pretty clear-headed despite all the things I have to juggle right now. A lesser Amanda would have begun to crumble at this point, but I'm cool and calm and very much collected, so I'm feeling pretty hopeful regarding this situation.

Now I just need to train myself to become more of a functional morning person. Cause as it is, if it's before noon, I'm pretty worthless. But, we'll work on that.

Rumor has it Palin's 8 month old baby isn't actually her's...it's Bristol's baby, her 16 year old daughter. I just saw some pictures and read up on the rumors and it's all QUITE plausible as well as fitting for a woman so staunchly pro-life and conservative Christian that she would consider it a scandal for her daughter to be an unwed teen mother.

1) Palin didn't announce her pregnancy till she was supposedly 7 months along and no one believed her.
2) I saw a picture of her around 8 months. Bitch got a flatter stomach than me and no hips to boot.
3) Her daughter was supposedly pulled out of school for the last 4-5 months of her mother's "pregnancy"
4) Pictures of her daughter from that time period certainly suggest more than just adolencent pudge, ifyaknowwhatI'msayin.
5) Palin supposedly went in to labor during a flight from Seattle to Anchorage, but the flight crew reports her as being completely pleasant and didn't sense anything more than a plane ride was occurring.

I'm gonna do some more investigating, but seriously. Can you imagine if it's true?! This shit's better than most soap operas!